Day jobs suck. I won’t sugarcoat it. Until I get funny enough to pay the rent on this little pipe dream of mine (which won’t happen if I stay in Philly forever), I have a day job. As stated before in a previous post, I won’t give specifics, but in a nutshell, here’s what I do: I work in retail out on the Main Line (lah-dee-DAHH, right?). My job is to supervise folks at the front of the store and keep an eye out for customer issues that transpire.
Had I known what I was getting myself into when taking on this position in this particular location, I would have never quit drinking.
I am not kidding.
There are many different factors to face when living this kind of double-life. First off, you have coworkers to deal with. I work with decent people. But when you have a management position and a sassy employee in your department wants to throw in your face the ol’ “You’re a comic, you need to lighten up!” bit, it’s never fun to have to remind them: “Hey, yeah…kinda not at a gig right now. I’m here. Do your job while you’re at your job…pleeease. Thanks!”
Then you have the general public. They’re crazy. It’s funny, when regular people act out of line, they’re considered a nuisance; but if a rich person acts in the same manner, they’re labeled ‘eccentric’. (You’re not eccentric. You’re just as much of a pain in the ass.)
For the most part, I can handle the public. I treat it the same as my sex life: Get ‘em in, get ‘em out, get on with life. No personal hang-ups, no strings attached.*
(I won’t be dead inside forever.)*
Last night I was put to the ultimate test. A situation popped up where a miserable old man (who, for the matter of this story, it is important to mention that the distinct scent of vodka appeared on his breath) was causing a scene in my department. I walked over, apologized to the guy, fixed the error, and wished him a good night. He then continued to scream and moan as though someone cut his dick off and force fed it to a baby.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a progressive individual who is aware of the human condition. Sometimes, mistakes happen; when they are corrected, you move on. This guy was hung up in the past. Because his life was delayed an entire 84 seconds, he decided to kick and scream some more and began to make personal attacks on both my employees and myself.
The personal struggle within kicked at this point. The comic in me wanted to treat this guy like a heckler and put him in his place. (I’ve only had to deal with hecklers twice, and I once managed to make one cry. At the core I am very warm and loving- but cross me and you’ll pay, fucker).
In the end, I laughed it off, secretly wished he’d get hit by a bus, and walked away. This guy’s days are numbered; I have my whole future ahead of me. No need to get caught up in the moment. I highly doubt the guy is a supporter of live comedy anyway, so in the end, he’s of no use to me.
Did I want to break his spirit and tell him how worthless he is to the world? Of course I did. But…what would have I gained? I wasn’t at a show; I was at my job that pays my rent, that provides me with health insurance. Sometimes, it’s hard to just shut up and know your roll (as the Rock would say, though I believe he phrases it “Know your roll and shut your mouth…jabroni”).
And that brings me to having to gain a sense of maturity. Up until around this point last year, I never had any reason to grow up. Sure, I had to adjust to this whole ‘rent’ thing, but other than that and some student loan bills…I kind of don’t have any major responsibilities. I’m single. I’m childless. I have no pets. I have nobody else to take care of except myself. I can do what I want when I want. I pretty much do what I want when I want. With this kind of freedom, sometimes it’s hard to act like a grown up for eight hours a day, then clock out, go to an open mic, and act like an idiot on a stage.
I shouldn’t call myself an idiot. It’s funny, when actors are onstage, they’re acting. When I’m not onstage…I’m acting. I’ve managed to get a decent act together so far when at work…hope this act continues to play out for a while until I figure out where I’m taking this show next.
